Summer is just around the corner—and we all look forward to the big budget escapist blockbusters it brings, partly because they match our “school’s out,” “vacation time,” “nothing matters,” “let’s get our freak on” mentalities, and partly because it’s an excuse to be in the A/C for two hours. We expect very little of these summer flicks beyond entertainment and adventure. But the canine community has beef with one summer 2016 release: War Dogs. The film is about two young American men who made bank during the Iraq war arming American allies in Afghanistan, starring Jonah Hill and Miles Teller. It has had lukewarm human reception, with a 78% audience score on Rotten Tomatoes. But who cares about humans. Here’s what the dogs are saying about War Dogs:
“There weren’t any dogs…” –Flufferfnutter, 4 (Basset Hound)
“Miles Teller was really good in Whiplash, but he’s no dog.” –Rosie, 12 (Dalmatian)
“If I wanted to see a couple 20-somethings be douchey to their girlfriends, I’d go to Central Park on a weekday.” –Winston, 6 (Purebred Pitbull)
“If all the characters were bacon and/or squirrels, I still would’ve fallen asleep on my owner’s lap.” –Moneypenny, 3 (Terrier/Shepherd Mix)
“This was a missed opportunity to portray Middle Eastern dogs, a group very underrepresented in Hollywood.” –Monster, 11 (German Shepherd)
“I recognized the one guy from The Wolf of Wall Street. Spoiler about THAT movie: No wolves.” –Mick Wagger, 7 (Puggle)
The title implies that a troop of mongrels wage war against spaying and neutering as standard. Or that female mutts around the world align to take the word “bitch” back. The title could also mean that a community of concerned mother dogs defend their pups by taking on the neighborhood drug problem. But NO. Not one dog mention. Not one dog cameo. Not one satisfied dog viewer.